


Drive

by thelittlebirdthattoldyou



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining Castiel, Pining Dean, Unhappy Ending, Why do I do this to myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 23:29:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10685118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittlebirdthattoldyou/pseuds/thelittlebirdthattoldyou
Summary: In which everyone knows but no one uses their words.Set in an unspecified time in Season 12.





	Drive

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.

Dean keeps his eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead, his hands gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white. He drives carefully, obeying every sign he sees and even managing to stay under the speed limit, which he never does. But at least it gives him something to focus on - something that’s not the angel sitting silently in the passenger seat.

He risks a glance at Cas. He looks just like he always has - same disheveled hair, same unfailingly blue eyes. He’s not the same, of course. None of them are. They’ve all been through far too much, seen the end of the world far too many times.

And somewhere along the way, maybe during the first Apocalypse or the second, Castiel became Cas, ally became friend, then best friend, then family. Dean would die for Cas in a heartbeat, just like he would for Sam, but there’s something between them that Dean doesn’t have with Sam. Something that’s always there, every second of every day, and maybe has always been there, but seems amplified in the darkness of the night.

Dean doesn’t know what it is - no, that’s a lie. He knows exactly what it is. But putting a name to it would be acknowledging it, making it more real. And even if both of them already know, even if everyone can see it, Dean isn’t ready to take that step. Maybe he’ll never be ready.

Before, there was always an excuse that Dean could use; the Apocalypse, the war in Heaven and Castiel’s absence, the Leviathan, Purgatory, Naomi, Metatron, Lucifer, Amara. But even in the darkest hour, there had been those little moments. Moments when they were alone and had nothing more to lose, and it would have been all too easy to let those three words slip out. Hell, Dean knows they almost did, a few times.

What excuse does Dean have now? Cas is in the bunker with them, probably not about to fly off any time soon, and there’s no new big bad on the horizon. Nothing for Dean to hide behind.

No, because the problem was never the circumstances. The problem had always been Dean - Dean, who loved too strongly and easily and would never admit that he cared at all.

Dean, who was afraid - not of rejection, but failure.

Because this is Dean Winchester, who lets down everyone he’s close to and breaks things just by touching them. He knows that if he said a word to Cas about this thing between them, they could have something wonderful. Incomparable. Better than any memories Heaven had to offer. But Dean would inevitably mess it up, as he always does, and what then? He would fail one too many times, screw something else up, and Cas… Cas would leave. His angel would leave and cease to keep coming back.

And the alternative? Cas wouldn’t leave, which would be worse. Because that meant he would be fixing Dean’s mistakes for the rest of the hunter’s pathetic human life, without a single word of thanks because Dean is just that emotionally constipated. Cas would feel bound to Dean, by duty, by misplaced love and trust, or some crap like that. Dean would succeed in doing what Heaven and Hell combined could not - he would be the one to break his angel. No, better to let Cas choose. Better to leave him free to do as he pleases, without feeling obligated to Dean.

Cas has given everything - everything - for him, and there’s no way Dean can ask for anything more.

So Dean tears his gaze away from the angel and redoubles his attention to the road. He doesn’t see Cas turn to face him, and he doesn’t see the blue eyes that contain more sorrow than any number of tears ever could, but he can picture it as clearly as if he had. And Dean knows that it doesn’t matter - whatever he says or neglects to say, whatever he does, he’s hurting Cas just by being around him. It’s just another unchangeable fact of the universe. The sky is blue, the sun is hot, and Dean Winchester will continue to fuck up everything and everyone around him.

Dean turns on the radio to break the silence and drown out his thoughts. (It doesn’t work, of course, but he can pretend.) He catches Cas’ eye and grins, completely aware that the angel can see right through him, just like he’s always been able to.

But Cas just gives him a soft, sad smile and turns away to look out the window once more.

And so Dean drives, and there’s an oppressing silence that hangs between them even with the music blasting. The silence in which everything important remains unsaid.


End file.
